The Waterboard

Lyrics for a new song about incest, witches and gammon:

The secret of Paddy’s patio

Little Mary was lost in M32
her cousin had Wields disease what could he do?
She saw a duck in the hedge so she followed it through
trying to make her way home for some of mammy’s stew

Once she crossed through the hedge Mary thought she was safe
she was in her uncle’s house, yet things there had changed
Uncle Paddy was suddenly fused to his chair
the curtains were missing and the cupboards were bare

A letter for Mary explained the commotion
and how her and her cousin held the solution
it was down to Mary and Colin to save the day
so with some gammon and choc-ices they were on their way

In the distance they could see the trouble causer
The wicked witch of the North-West water
she had cursed the family and was trying to expose
A self-defence murder which occurred years ago

Colin had to get a grip there was fuck all wrong with him
Mary kissed him on the lips, he was suddenly strong again
gone was his sickness, gone was his meekness
and there in his hands was the witches weakness

Blister packed gammon in all of its glory
struck down the witch and ended our story
Paddy was free from his chair and Colin was better
and the murder was hidden forever and ever

Now Mary didn’t like crime but blood is thicker than murder
and then came the wine that made her feel better
so choc-ices in hand , a drunk Mary and Colin
Strolled in to the sunset all thanks to the gammon