The Waterboard

Lyrics for a new song about incest, witches and gammon:

The secret of Paddy’s patio

Little Mary was lost in M32
her cousin had Wields disease what could he do?
She saw a duck in the hedge so she followed it through
trying to make her way home for some of mammy’s stew

Once she crossed through the hedge Mary thought she was safe
she was in her uncle’s house, yet things there had changed
Uncle Paddy was suddenly fused to his chair
the curtains were missing and the cupboards were bare

A letter for Mary explained the commotion
and how her and her cousin held the solution
it was down to Mary and Colin to save the day
so with some gammon and choc-ices they were on their way

In the distance they could see the trouble causer
The wicked witch of the North-West water
she had cursed the family and was trying to expose
A self-defence murder which occurred years ago

Colin had to get a grip there was fuck all wrong with him
Mary kissed him on the lips, he was suddenly strong again
gone was his sickness, gone was his meekness
and there in his hands was the witches weakness

Blister packed gammon in all of its glory
struck down the witch and ended our story
Paddy was free from his chair and Colin was better
and the murder was hidden forever and ever

Now Mary didn’t like crime but blood is thicker than murder
and then came the wine that made her feel better
so choc-ices in hand , a drunk Mary and Colin
Strolled in to the sunset all thanks to the gammon 

New prison themed cookery show ‘Bad Grills’ coming soon

Our videos have a new home, I could shed a tear of pride :)

http://www.youtube.com/user/TheWaterboardE4J  

This is our new song about the beautiful men of Ulster
…

It’s bad enough the economy is slightly more stable
the money is heavier and they’ve got painted gables
the counties are contested and the politics detested
but the faces of the men they can’t be bested

High and low we’ve searched the Isle
But it’s the men up North that make us smile
Ride me sideways and touch my boobs
With men from Ulster you don’t need lube

Not all of Ulster it must be told
Sex is in the six that  De Valera sold

King of the jockeys A P McCoy
Paddy Wagon driver Mr Troy
Mr Murphy from our kids school
We spoke on the phone and it made me drool
Ruari O’heara speaks in Gaelic
he’s one Derry tour guide I’d like to lick

Not all of Ulster it must be told
Sex is in the six of which the Queen has hold

Munster men they’re next on the list
Chome and Blind Boy we’d like to shift
Michael Fassbender he can bend-er me over
But he still can’t compare to the men of Ulster

Not all of Ulster it must be told
Sex is in the six with the Falls road

Leinster next but that’s scraping the barrel
they’ve only really got Colin Farrell
Ruby Walsh but he’s gone Grey
and Oscar Wilde but he was a gay

Connacht; well it’s a woman’s hell
Crommy was right and the men are shite

High and low we’ve searched the Isle
But it’s the men up North that make us smile
Ride me sideways and touch my boobs
With men from Ulster you don’t need lube

Up the men of Ulster they’re something to behold
Not all of Ulster it must be told
Sex is in the six that  De Valera sold
Not all of Ulster it must be told
Sex is in the six that  De Valera sold

“They’re getting the Royal barge out!” she exclaimed… 

It’s basically a jaffa cake. or more precisely a “Jaffa Cake for Irish Nationalists”